YEAR 2002 directed by gaspar noe

STARRING monica belluci, vincent cassel, albert dupontel

Qs: 2.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       “THE GUT-WRENCHING, VIOLENT CLIMAX” 0:22:45.  In the opening sequence, the Tenia’s protégé Phillipe breaks Marcus’s right arm completely at the elbow.  In retaliation and explosive venting frustration, his friend Pierre attacks Phillipe with a fire extinguisher.  Smashing him directly in the face with it, he crushes his skull through an unbelievable succession of not one, not three, not nine, not fourteen, not twenty, but twenty-three hits with a fire extinguisher.  All the while the man moans deep for relief, but it never comes.  Gurgling on his blood and hyperventilating as his nose and mouth fill with gore, life comes to an awful end for Phillipe.  His face is absolutely unrecognizable and rather large chunks of brain and skull splatter the floor looking more like someone had been eating crabs and piled the guts at his head.  Because I’m nice, I’ll give you a breakdown of the damage wrought by each hit:

1.      The initial strike knocks him to the floor, rendering him a bit dazed.

2.      Bloodies his nose and separates him a little further from reality.

3.      Breaks out front teeth and causes the first drops of blood to fly.

4.      Breaks out even more teeth and his upper jaw just behind his lip.

5.      Officially breaks his nose.

6.      Merely worsens what the previous five started.

7.      Starts to form a crater in his face at his right cheek; breaks out more teeth.

8.      Starts to bloody up his face a bit more.

9.      Worsens 1 – 8’s damage.

10.  Builds on 9.

11.  Here at eleven the blood really starts to fly from many places on his face.

12.  This shot pops out his right eye (you have to look carefully to see it.)

13.  Crushes his head a little further, creates a worse mess.  Blood starts to cling to the…

14.  …extinguisher, flying through the air along the arc of the bludgeoning instrument.

15.  Here we see brains and chunks of bone leaping out, his skull actually starting to cave in.

16.  With this his eye pops out again and his skull is crushed a bit further.

17.  Deeper damage starts here where his forehead starts to fold.

18.  This shot really cracks open his eye sockets, the jutting bone visible.

19.  Exposed skull is visible over most of his face, gore clinging to parts of it.  Blood and…

20.  …bone start to fly in larger pieces here.

21.  This one is a broadside shot simply across the side of his head.

22.  Pierre stands over Phillipe’s mashed head and rams the extinguisher straight down…

23.  …on his destroyed face.  The last finally does it; noises stop, life ends.

N       The synopsis plays it up right: “the odyssey begins with a brutal killing then unspools in reverse to reveal the horrifying events that lead to the gut-wrenching, violent climax of the opening scene.”  And how.  SR: ããããã

N       0:52:59.  As the narrative proceeds in reverse, we see what event led up to the search for a killer at the bar and the sickening excessive measures taken by Pierre as we watch an excruciatingly long single take of an unbridled, unrestrained rape with viciousness of fatal proportions of Alex.  After being savagely violated for several minutes, the rapist kicks her in the mouth and then in the back before kicking her in the teeth again.  Changing to a different form of unholy abuse, he punches her in the face eleven times before graduating to the last stage where he grabs her by her ponytail and slams her head a solid eight times into the concrete floor of the subway corridor.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 1990 directed by tommy lee wallace

STARRING harry anderson, john ritter, tim curry

Qs: 9.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       It comes on two sides of a single disc.  The sides are indicated A and B, the timestamps particular to that side and not added in to the overall running time.  It was upgraded from 3 to 4 for the general idea of a creature from time immemorial killing children, particularly pulling the arm off of one like the wings off a fly.

N       A 0:13:40.  Billy has a terrible vision of the photo album he was flipping through shortly after his brother Georgie’s funeral.  The pages start wildly blowing around as if a fierce wind were in the room with him.  Then, when it settles on a single one of Georgie’s pictures, blood starts to flow around it from underneath, spilling out onto the floor and eventually overtaking the picture itself.  The flow leaves a conspicuous spot on the floor that, curiously, neither of his parents notice.  SR: SSSSS

N       A 0:42:07.  A red balloon starts growing in Bev’s sink on the heels of the voices of several of the “dead kids” that Pennywise dragged down into the sewers, who now float with him.  The balloon bursts a few seconds later, splashing the sink and Bev’s face with the red.  Summoning her father to the frightening sight, she’s at first caught off-guard by her father’s apparent inability to see the thick redness all over everything.  After he leaves, threats of death if she tries to fight him along with many more ounces of blood come bubbling up out of the drain.  SR: SSSSS

N       A 1:33:18.  Stan’s wife heads into the bathroom to scrub his back, armed with a beer and a glass.  When she walks in and sees blood dripping from his hands and wrists, IT written in red on the tile wall, she knows all too well what happened.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:07:10.  Richie has visions courtesy of Pennywise of hundreds of balloons falling down from the ceiling of the library, several exploding in red bursts in the faces of patrons, a fourth coming down just in front of him, popping just before, spraying him with the same red.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:19:32.  Bev’s cup of tea turns into a cup of blood.  When she realizes this, she drops it and the saucer, both breaking on impact with the floor, the red splashing about.  As Ms. Kersh picks up the pieces, she transforms into a Z-type apparition urging her to leave town.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:33:20.  At the conclusion of their reunion feast, everyone cracks open fortune cookies.  As expected, things get weird: Bev’s blows up in a bloody spray; Eddie’s releases a roach; Richie’s contains an eyeball; Ben’s has claws that snap repeatedly; Mike’s has a very small baby bird, beak opening pitifully, wanting something and Billy’s starts to sprout thick, hairy, black spider legs.  He doesn’t give the creature a chance to hatch, throwing a napkin over it before they run out.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:34:38.  Richie, Eddie and Bev stand together at the library, looking at the red misty stains on things from when the blood balloons exploded earlier.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:34:56.  Immediately after, Bev has a horrible flashback: she’s working to clean bloody streaks off of her bathroom mirror, the mess extending down the wall and into the sink.  SR: SSSSS

N       B 0:41:09.  Mike opens the mini-refrigerator in the library out from which dozens of balloons float.  When they clear, Stan’s head rests on a shelf inside and begins harassing them with not-so-subtle references to their deeper secrets.  SR: SSSSS

N worst movie #3 N

YEAR 1998 committed by dan clark

INFESTED WITH DAWN MARIE VELASQUEX, DAN CLARK, DAVE PRESSLER

Qs: 4.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       0:12:43.  After Dr. Ody reneges and makes a stink about getting his creature back, Alex wastes him on the hood of his car, red squirting from the exit wound all down the windshield.  After his assistant (I presume that’s what she was) charges them with a knife/crucifix, the team spends what seems like several minutes unloading four or five magazines worth of ammo into her.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:23:45.  The group wastes a few transvestites, due blood for the first two, inordinate soak-age on the last, all over a wall.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:09:25.  Random brain-spatter.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:24:42.  “Shot through the heart and you’re to blame…” SR: SSSSS

N       Stupid.  Insane.  Asinine.  Terrible.  Disjointed.  Pointless.  Irrelevant.  Brainless.  Sloppy.  Miserable.  Disastrous.  Repulsive.  Off-putting.  Confusing.  Revolting.  Pathetic.  Ridiculous.  Retarded.  Wasteful.  Idiotic.  Moronic.  Juvenile.  Artless.

N       Every one of those adjectives and a fair number more are qualified for this picture, none of them able to be overstated.  It’s always a guaranteed night to remember when one sits down and dares to take in something like this for its putridity, senselessness and sensationally low quality utterly mesmerize that they made it out, i.e., managed to escape from their misguided creator’s hands.  Empires collapse, races are wiped out, movies like this are made.  You were dragged through Carnivore like through hot tar and glass shards.  You were abused with Skinned Deep like being beaten with a cat-o’-nine tails.  Now, for your viewing displeasure, we bring you The Item.  Consider yourself warned to no end.  You just won’t believe how bad it is.

YEAR 2000 directed by michael cooney

STARRING christopher allport, eileen seeley, david allen brooks

Qs: 18.  AR: ãããããããããã

N       0:06:30.  A maintenance man bumbling into the laboratory where scientists, for whatever inconceivable reason, were trying to resurrect the icy slasher, knocks the doctor’s coffee cup into the tank of antifreeze.  Within seconds the entire thing seizes and detonates, a large shard of the tank’s glass catching the maintenance guy in the mouth, killing him instantly.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:13:13.  The man in the raft who was griping at length about the mistakes made that caused them to be lost in who knew where gets stabbed through the bottom of the boat all the way through his back.  He spits up some red, wonders what on earth happened and then quietly dies when Jack retracts the icicle he killed him with and goes “to the islands.”  SR: SSSSS

N       0:19:03.  Ashley goes off to get more charcoal for the flames.  Discovering fifteen briquettes in a curious line, she starts to pick them up, icicles dropping all around.  Fed up with his rusty inaccuracy, Jack drops a snow anvil on the girl, crushing her into a pile of innards with feet.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:19:57.  Going to investigate the unusual length of time it’s taking Ash to get the charcoal, Paisley gets up and offers to help her out.  When she arrives at the squash site, she sees the snow anvil, arterial spray spurting up from the crushed guts.  Stepping on an icicle jutting out of the beach, Paisley trips and falls backwards onto a bed of them, several of them impaling her.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:20:55.  Jack teases the third and last girl for a spell before seizing her grilling tongs and stabbing her in the eyes with them.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:23:07.  The Colonel and two guests come upon the messy remains of Ash.  Shortly after, Mr. Manners, head of island security (some job he’s doing) arrives with the tongs in hand, Rose’s eyeballs still stuck on them, strings of flesh and nerve dangling about.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:32:36.  Greg lines up for a shot on Sarah but before he can click the shutter, her head simply explodes like a cherry bomb, blood and gore splattering him and the camera.  Immediately after, Jack stabs him with an eye-cicle.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:51:45.  A boy in a drunken dare sticks his tongue to a metal pole.  It’s the middle of winter and, thus, his tongue sticks fast.  His friend goes in search of chicks.  Jack, the friendly snowman, offers assistance.  He grabs the poor sap by the back of the head and yanks his body away, tearing his tongue out of his mouth.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:52:26.  In a snowball fight precipitated by Jack, the issue of being hit with a snowball takes on a whole new meaning.  These snowballs don’t explode on impact – they take whatever body part they struck with them.  One man loses his right arm to one of these assault snowballs at the onset of the melee.  For quite a while the severed stump sprays blood and gore like a fire hydrant all over a woman’s face.  Another joe gets hit in the mouth, blood streaked on his cheeks.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:52:50.  Some guy behind the bar gets shot through the head with a flying ‘cicle.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:53:03.  Two men get giant ‘cicles in the chest.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:58:12.  The unlucky woman who got slimed by the armless man’s blood and gore was stabbed through the mouth with one of Jack’s icicles.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:08:48.  Captain Fun, one of the more irritating of the characters, gets the icicle nose of a newly hatched snow baby straight through the right eye.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:11:47.  Walking into a nest of killer snow babies, Mr. Manners has the middle two fingers of his right hand bitten off, the nubs spurting blood.  The rest attack and eat him alive, the snow beneath him turning a frightening red.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:14:49.  The legions of snow babies have themselves a morbid feast: three drag a left arm somewhere to consume it; one drinks champagne, blood all over his face (maybe the one who ate Mr. Manners’ fingers); a third eats somebody’s fingers; another has a “hand sandwich” from a severed limb; several more suck on the bones of and eat the guts from a mutilated woman’s corpse and another drags the lower half of a right leg.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:22:26.  Discovering the weakness of the snow babies, the group whips up a batch of the stuff and squirts, slops, dumps and pours it all over them.  Each time one is hit, it explodes in a red blast, presumably because of the blood they drank/ate from their victims.  In a pathetic scene of suffering, one of the badly disfigured snow babies, eyes melting down his head, his right arm gone and victims’ blood all over, whines constantly until it dies.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:24:38.  Operation clean-up is, as one might expect, a mess.  Bloody exploded parts of snow babies are everywhere and everyone’s clothes are badly stained with red.  During things with the Colonel and Bobby, both die within seconds of each other: the Colonel is stabbed through the back of the head and out of his mouth with a deadly ‘cicle and Bobby is slashed deep across the throat.  Bob and Marla are picking up body parts with tongs at a very grim scene at the bar.  Blood is just everywhere, most of it from the victims themselves.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:27:50.  The cavalry rode in, be it only Sam.  Firing a specially equipped arrow straight at Jack, his body blows up in a bloody splash of gore…and snow.  A large wave hits Sam directly in the face, several others splashing all over the walls.  Frantic for his wife’s safety, Sam sifts through the bloody, foamy remains of Jack Frost.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 2001 directed by james isaac

STARRING kane hodder, lexa doig, chuck campbell

Qs: 15.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       0:06:06.  Violence up and down: the night watchman is discovered under the sheet – not Jason.  The latter knocks out one of the men assigned to the transfer (watch for a trace amount of brains to splatter) just before another shoots him point-blank with a shotgun.  Another unloads dozens of rounds into him before he’s strangled with a chain.  His partner gets smashed upside the head with a conspicuously sharp, long and heavy metal rod, Dr. Wimmer being the final victim as the aforementioned rod is thrown like a javelin through him.  BTW: Dr. Wimmer is famed director of several films listed on this site: David Cronenberg.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:13:35.  Jason’s frozen, 200+ lb. body falls like a lead weight out of the cryostasis unit Rowan forced him into and slices of Azrael’s right arm.  Too bad for him.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:20:46.  Adrienne extracts one of Jason’s gross eyes for further examination.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:26:07.  Adrienne starts to cut around Jason’s mask.  With every stroke of the scalpel, this watery greenish-black junk drips all over the operating table and down through the drainage holes.  When she removes the mask, a misshapen face (which doesn’t resemble the one shown in F13VIII) looks back at her.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:30:30.  Jason’s first victim in over 400 years is shoved face-first into a cryogenic tank.  Her head freezes instantaneously the second she’s under the surface.  Jason then smashes her ultra-fragile face against the counter, shattering it into a million pieces.  Pretty wicked, isn’t it?  Two for the visuals, one for a twisted idea point.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:35:04.  Jason’s first kill with a new blade (Stoney) splashes blood on his pretty girl’s face before he’s dragged away, presumably to face infinitely more horrific terror.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:44:56.  Condor is thrown off a platform straight onto an auger bit.  His bleeding body spins as it spirals downwards along the threads.  Cool.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:47:29.  Geko stumbles out of the shadows, throat cut, gurgling blood as she dies.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:48:39.  Kicker gets hacked in two across the waist.  He futilely drags his half a body along (cf. Ghost Ship), radioing for his comrades to vamoose before they too are turned into chopped liver.  Like with 0:30:30, two for the image and one for the squirmy tail end of his spinal column, twisting around like it was still attached to a body.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:48:58.  Briggs slides into view, impaled firmly on the hook Jason once was on.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:49:40.  A poke in the ribs – two, actually – puts down the old dog.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:51:59.  Lou’s parts are strewn all about the control panels in the cabin.  At 1:00:48 we get to see them in close-up.  Look: his left hand is still on the stick.  J  SR: SSSSS

N       1:05:35.  Jason meets his futuristic match – Kay-Em.  Jason hurls his blade at her, landing it through her abdomen.  She slowly goes down, Tsunaron’s plan looking dead in the water.  Being an android, she’s not dead.  This is where the fun begins.  She unloads double-handedly so much lead into Jason, by all rights there shouldn’t have been a speck of matter left attached to another.  His right arm definitely wasn’t attached when she blew it off before she kicked him through a wall she precisely perforated with her upgraded automatics.  She then pulls out a really big gun and blasts his left leg in half.  He starts to get up…she blasts a hole in his right pec.