unrated extended cut

YEAR 2004 directed by david s. goyer

STARRING wesley snipes, kris kristofferson, jessica biel

Qs: 14.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N   0:03:37.  When the ground starts to fall away in a pyramid structure four vampire soldiers are prowling around, a hand reaches up from the center of the pit, seizes one of them by the head and drags him down.  His buddies pull him back out though – most of him anyway.  His head remained in the pit, a splat of blood splashing on a nearby stone before he turned to ash.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:11:36.  Blade makes a bad call and shoots a human with a silver stake which comes out his chest, red starting to soak into his shirt.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:16:01.  Danica walks into Drake’s cell, a trail of blood spots leading to a pile of victims, one of whom he was still biting the neck of.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:24:48.  During a raid, Whistler is hit in his already injured leg.  At 0:25:23 he’s struck again, this time in the back, between his shoulders.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:40:44.  Jarko takes off after our heroes’ ride, but doesn’t last long before Abigail shoots him in the eye with her crossbow.  At 0:43:44, we see him contentedly petting a Pom while bleeding from his eye socket.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:50:32.  Drake takes a bite out of a girl at a gimmicky vampire shop.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:03:27.  Abby injects King through his shoulder wound with an elastin protein injector.  The squishing of the entry and the bubbling of a pasty fluid are quite gross.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:03:43.  Abby comes back to HQ and washes the blood off of her from her kills.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:06:42.  Drake lets Danica’s body fall on the bed after biting into her neck.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:10:15.  Abby and Blade walk into a warehouse with hundreds of bodies hermetically sealed in large bags and hooked up to a series of tubes, thereby effectively making them human IVs.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:14:54.  Sommerfield comes upon a bloody basketball, a sure sign that things with Hedges and Dex didn’t go well.  At 1:15:51 she walks right through a giant puddle of their blood and at 1:16:02 there’s an aerial shot of the bloody bodies of both men.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:20:40.  Abby comes upon a sheet of plastic upon which immortality will come to such as are fit for it written in blood upon it, likely Sommerfield’s.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:37:43.  Blade breaks a vamp’s neck, blood spurting a split second before he burns up.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:49:38.  Drake is mortal again and still bears the wound that put him down.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 1988 directed by chuck russell

STARRING shawnee smith, kevin dillon, donovan leitch

Qs: 6.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N   0:25:31.  A doctor whisks the blanket off of the man with the “hand injury.”  It turns out his problems are much bigger than a hand – the entire lower half of his body has been entirely destroyed, nothing but a bubbling, steaming puddle of ooze.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:26:40.  The death continues.  Paul this time gets slimed with the lethal blob, moaning mutedly beneath the pink man-eating creature.  His girlfriend runs in the room and grabs his arm, trying to keep hold of him, but the devouring Blob is more powerful and his arm detaches entirely as his face is dissolved, eyes bleeding from their sockets, jaws stretching apart as his flesh is digested.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:31:50.  I didn’t know anything about this movie and wasn’t sure of its gore potential until I caught it one day on satellite and let me say this: this is a disgusting movie!  Two lovers (we know how well they fare in horror films) get sucked into oblivion together when the guy tries to cop a feel and ends up putting his wandering hand right in the Blob.  The tentacles wrap around his hand and as if waiting for that moment, the Blob deflated the girl like a blow-up doll, gore dribbling from her eye sockets and her mouth as she was drunk up from within.  Tentacles keep grabbing at him, coming out of her eyes and between her slackened jaws, making the kills all the more gross.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:43:11.  George from the local diner tries to dislodge a blockage of some kind from the sink.  He reaches into the drain…and nothing happens immediately.  Then – the Blob blasts into the room, seizes his face and proceeds to pull his entire body down into the plumbing, leaving a bloody mess and a shoe behind.  Fran bolts out of a window and down the alley for her life.  She dashes into a phone booth to call somebody, but the Blob beats them there and encases the booth.  George’s decomposing face brushes the glass before it invades and takes her away.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:45:40.  Hobbs the projectionist is jelled to the ceiling a la Men in Black.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:40:34.  As the Blob invades the theater, Meg finds a woman lying in the aisle.  She rolls her over and sees half her face being drug off her skull.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 1963 directed by herschell gordon lewis

STARRING william kerwin, mal arnold, connie mason

Qs: 8.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N   0:01:37.  A knife attack in a bathroom results in rubbery chunks of flesh falling off the blade and a nasty left eye wound.  The attacker then hacks through her left leg, placing the lower half in a bag and vacating the place.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:13:49.  The next killing start, this time a twofer of a loving couple on the beach late at night.  He gets clocked quickly with no fanfare, but we stick around to see what happened to her, at 0:14:20 being shown dripping, fresh brains in the hands of the mad caterer.  He puts a handful in his blue bag, packing his large blade therein as well before leaving the scene.  At 0:14:51 we get a gloriously extreme look at the bloody, gory mess left behind on the sand.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:23:39.  Our mad chef rips the tongue out of Vic #3 with his bare hands.  As he leaves, blood and gore continue to ooze from the woman’s lips.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:28:47.  Vic #4 and her once-beating heart.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:48:04.  Ramses’ gory operating table comes into view right frame, as does a living (for the moment) victim, the one snatched in broad daylight who lost her shoe.  Rated 2 mostly for the grisly table (1.5) and half a point for the cheap attempt at a whipping.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:50:58.  The shot opens to Ramses’ gore oven, the scenery surrounding strewn about with rib cages and chunks of people, a fresh one going in at °450 for twenty minutes (the smell that must have made).  It emerges a few moments later, nicely cooked.  Also, about the ribs on top of the unit: they must have come from a gorilla, as big and thick around as they are.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:52:57.  Investigators turn the lights on in Ramses’ back room to reveal the body of Vic #5 laid out on the gore table, blood pretty much everywhere.  The scene is given an extra point for the extended close-up pan along her red-streaked body, pieces of people scattered about.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:04:12.  Let me say this: H. G. Lewis is unique.  Let’s take a moment to be thankful for that.  Fuad climbs into the back of a garbage truck headed out on its rounds.  It starts down the road and it seems like he’s in the clear, evading the on-foot policemen…until the compactor comes down and screaming that clearly isn’t his pierces the air, the butcher’s body ground up by the unforgiving metal.  Why he didn’t simply jump out I suppose is because he had a bum leg and would have most certainly been caught, but pleeeeease.  Maybe if Ed Wood soaked his pictures in blood and gore galore, he wouldn’t have carved out such an ignominious place for himself.  SR: SSSSS

unrated

YEAR 2006 directed by uwe boll

STARRING kristanna loken, michael madsen, ben kingsley

Qs: 10.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N   0:04:58.  You’ve never seen cool water inflict these kinds of severe burns, have you?  How about deep gashes healing in seconds when a cup of lamb’s blood is imbibed?  SR: SSSSS

N   0:09:28.  Rayne takes a few seconds to recall how she escaped her cage.  One of the assistants during the show earlier, the one who slit her arm, sneaks in to perform salacious acts I’m sure, but he’ll never get the chance.  Rayne shatters his own liquor bottle across the site of his head, the blood dripping onto her face serving only to incite severe bloodlust.  Several juicy bites to the throat draws sufficient red to satiate her and guarantee her escape – at least for the moment.  Almost immediately after her breakout, it seems everyone in the carnival shows up and is instantly disposed of, some with slits through the gut, some with neck bites, others with swords through their midsections.  It’s still death, no matter how you slice it.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:16:30.  Now for some freelance butt-whoopin’, namely on a pair of waylaying vampires, one it looks like punched in the teeth (thereafter bitten) and the other at the receiving end of a very wicked slit throat, due blood spraying.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:26:41.  After a short fight with an ogre of some kind, Rayne smashes his head in with his own spiked club.  Yummy.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:32:20.  A battle at the monastery is bloody: a jab in the chest; something that’ll always kill you, namely a stab straight in the eye (0:32:40); a quick decapitation; a blade jammed into one’s cheek; two more chest strikes; a sword through the face (0:33:13); another textbook gut-slit; a cowardly impalement; a back-hacking; a total chopping in half (0:34:27) and if that weren’t all, several men continue to beat and hack at the remains and finally a really nasty chest-slit.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:38:10.  A man fills a goblet with blood from the draining wrists of a chained woman.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:40:04.  I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t drink blood from something that looked like that during a severely depraved blood orgy.  Near stripped-clean skeletons dangle about whilst orgiastic moaning pervades an atmosphere of drinking, biting and the general consumption of blood.  At 0:41:34 we’re treated to more pendent parts, eaten nearly to the bone.  Plus, after some intervention from the sun, Leonid burns to a magical crisp.  J  SR: SSSSS

N   1:08:12.  A quick walk-through of a bloody massacre, what is left of an entire village.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:19:20.  An invasion of Master Kagan’s lair involves: a slit throat; a sword in the lung; an arrow in the face; an arm amputation; a good gut-rending; an awesome slit-throat; a swift decapitation; a stab through the chest and another decent neck-slitting and, in a showdown with Kagan, casues the Master to make an ash of himself.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:27:39.  A brief glimpse of some very nice gore from one massacre or another; shots of blood-drinking vampire activity; dangling gore in their lair; slashing of body parts and geysers of blood; a repeat of the righteous flattening of the ogre’s ugly face; major chest spray; an arm fast dispatched from its body; a cleaving down the shoulder and a look back at the “awesome slit-throat” from just a Q ago.  Quick note: the prosthetics are a bit subpar and when Rayne’s former master gets jabbed in the gut, it’s very easy to see the blood’s not coming from him.  Ideas are still wicked…J  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 2004 directed by david flores

STARRING david hewlett, jaime bergman, kirk b. r. woller

Qs: 6.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N   0:15:25.  Braddock’s “it” breaks loose and tears Ramon’s crew apart, leaving their pieces all over the field next to the truck it broke out of.  Identification of which parts belonged together and where bodies started and stopped were, for all purposes, impossible.  Later, a dutiful but uncoordinated deputy slips and falls into one of the piles, coming back with a handful of tattered gore which he simply drops like it’s the type of thing he always does.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:38:30.  Our heroes pry one of the snake’s scales apart, making visible its flesh beneath.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:07:30.  The junior of the inept father/son hunting team watches as his dad is thrown against a fence and, as we later see, onto a nail that while we don’t see where it struck, we still can tell it did the job by its gleaming red.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:12:18.  The worst death of the movie happens when the antagonist snake (if you can consider it that) bites a man completely in half, his disembodied legs falling out of frame.  SR: SSSSS

N  1:26:39.  I stand corrected.  When Broddick is grabbed head and legs by the Boa and the Python and absolutely ripped in half, that trumps the last one easily.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:27:55.